L.O.V.E

.....Im 25 turning 26 this year bt still i m seaching what exactly the meaning of love....
Im a bit confused cuz i think love is enough only when u know he love u and u love him...but hell no!....So complicated...can be frustated,confusing,jelousy...everything....
I wonder..do being in love always hurt????...If so than better be off that way......
When im still in secondary school...i secretly admire this boy for 5 years...hahhaha...can anyone imagine that?...and not to mention a weird Q's that stupid bimbo ask me " Are u lesbian?"..just because i dont dates[mum wont allow me..]....hahahha...
When i almost 21 i fall for this guy...finally i do feel im a girl...wakkakkak.....The 1st thought come in my mind is.."If this guy be my bf...i will make sure he is the 1st and the last man in my life"...1st love of my life...But no one can control destiny...so do i...1st love wont last forever yet i still cant take this is reality....he is so perfect...just nice..but not mine anymore...almost crazy at that moment..even asking for a 2nd chance but hell it wont workout so i have to go to somewhere which i think is a better solution.....
But no.....i realise whatever i do...whatever i do i still bring him[in my heart] wherever i go...my diary when im still with him...i have try so many time to let him go but hell it is damn hard....
A friend of mine suggest me to date more man but i m not satisfied simply because i dont feel the exciting feeling for what i have with him before...actually it is very easy to like a guy but trust me...to love is the most hard thing to do...u just dont have the feeling anymore...
It is easy to say i like u rather than saying i love u[without thinking about want to get ur hand to her pants only..trust me...it is 1 in a million...]
I rarely go home just want to avoid to see him....because everytime i see him i feel i want him badly...but i wont come and say"Please give me 3rd chance" because i see he is more happy now with his life...i dont want to spoil his mood...Let him happy with the life that he choose...
But after few year...feeling do change...so do i.....experience do makes me more mature..
I try to live life as i wanted...dates and knowing theres a lot of man out there...but when it has come to the end...accept it and be friend..
That what i have been thinking..if i can be friend with all the ex's...so why dont him?
I do a 1st move ...and thanks god...it wont hurt to be friend again....
Im so relieved...thank god for the grace....

Lots of Love,
bb